4 Fake BJJ Black Belts That Will Piss You Off


The cool thing about Brazilian jiu jitsu, is that it is impossible to fake.  The whole art is based on years upon years of practice, drilling and rolling before you reach the point of taking what your opponent gives you.  It’s also a fairly young art so your lineage may only be a few people long. That means that if you’re lying about being a black belt, it is incredibly easy to expose you.  If the lineage doesn’t do it, the quick roll will expose a fake black belt in a second.  Real BJJ black belts are deadly on the ground, fake ones are as threatening as luke-warm gummy bears on a set of nice boobies.

Regardless of my horrible analogies, there are (now) 4 fake black belts that have become internet-famous for their antics, here they are:

 

#4 ANDRE GALVAO’S KNEE REAP

Forgive me for not knowing the name of the rabbit that decided to step onto the mat with more or less one of the top 5 lions on the planet…I don’t really name food when it’s about to get swallowed.  The rumor around the internet is that the guy not-named-Andre is a black belt in something, just not jiu jitsu. This isn’t necessarily posing as a bjj black belt so much as doing something that’s not very smart.  In reality, a black belt in anything at a jiu jitsu competition is about as useful as warm gummy bears on  a set…you get the point.

You’ll notice up until the 0:55 mark, Galvao is feeling the guy out and appears a little suspicious of his credentials, but keeps on keepin’ on…until that fateful 0:55 mark.  That’s when not-Galvao (as it appears) knee-reaps real-Galvao.  Andre gets angry, throws the opponent’s legs off, passes the guard then starts to spin on the back of his victim – multiple times.

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: There are times to walk off the mat and call it a day. One of those times is when a world champion is breakdancing on you.

 

 

#3 MATT BARVO

There is so much to write about this douche that he has his own timeline.   I’ll just let you read it here .  He is the notorious Idaho fake black belt with quite the pedigree that is completely made up by him.  Some of these include:

  • He personally deleted his Sherdog MMA record (you can’t)
  • Claimed he was a black belt under the Machado brothers in 2004 (he was listed as white belt on Gracie University on Dec. 31, 2010)
  • Claimed later to be a black belt under Tom Cissero (Tom never heard of him)

This may just sound like a guy that desperately wants to put on a magic belt and be awesome…and that’s fine, 5 year olds are entitled to dream.  But Matt likes to move around and keep the lie going. you can get a feel for the guy from some of his youtube videos. In this particular one at the 1:45 mark, he’s talking about going home and registering for the roster of the worlds (he didn’t, but get to know the guy and you’ll learn to love pity).

On a smaller note, in the video he talks about how he’s not much of a hiker and how he’s a “city slicker” but he’s out there “getting it done”. For those not familiar with Boise, that hill he’s on is Table Rock, which is obvious by the giant cross behind him.  He “hiked” up there with a truck through tablerock road.  The hike from the parking lot where his car is to the cross is about as grueling as a face massage with an armless and shirtless Jennifer Aniston.

LESSON TO BE LEARNED:  Don’t lie on the internet.  Just don’t do it, and if you do, make sure your username is “MBarvo”

 

#2 DAVID LANG

As a veteran, David Lang is owed an ass-kicking from every other veteran.  He one-upped his fake black belt status by claiming veteran war-hero status, which is about the most mother-fuckerish thing I can think of doing.

 

lang lang

That’s not a mistake either, I printed that twice because he’s a double-asshole.  You can read about all the garbage he’s put out (it’s worse than Barvo believe it or not) here.  But I’d much rather show you a video of him getting worked in Brazil by a dude half his size.   Again, this video comes with some rumor and that rumor is that Lang entered this tournament that was short on competitors knowing that when he lost every match, he would still be in the top 3 and therefore be able to say that he “got a BJJ medal in Brazil” to help further his bullshit.

For those not in the know, if three people or less are in a division, I could enter a bundle of slightly-brown romain lettuce and it would come home with at least a bronze medal.  Silver if Lang was one of the three.

 

 

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: Fuck you, David Lang. You and all your fake black belt and fake veteran bullshit.  Fuck you to pieces.

 

#1 UFC GYM FAKE BLACK BELT GUY

Ahhh…the newest in a long line of fakes – Jeremy Varney.  Jeremy is a BJJ trainer at UFC gym in Flower Mound, Texas.  Or rather, he was before…well, wait..I guess he never was since he’s a fake….well, whatever…I digress.

The man with the camera claims to be a purple belt and by the time the video starts, he straight up has the camera on Jeremy while he questions him about his qualifications.  Jeremy is holding his ankle as if it is injured but still finds the courage to fire back at the accuser with feminine noises and whimpers.

I take that back, Jeremy makes one real valiant effort to prove himself.  He says that he can run home and grab his black belt and bring it back…burrrrrrrrrrrrrn.

LESSON TO BE LEARNED: Apparently UFC already learned it

 

 

 

All images used under permissions or section 107 of the fair use copyright law for the point of education and/or discussion
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Categories: EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor, Jiu Jitsu and Judo

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 replies

  1. There is an advantage to a personal meeting because it causes the representative
    to have a personal interest that is lacking in internet communications.

  2. Look into Rocko “”Rush” Rivera

  3. Has Helio Gracie ever told a story of how he allegedly “created” a technique? Is there one news paper, book or video where Helio Gracie goes over the historical day and story of how he allegedly created any single technique?

  4. Look at the videos that are in Rickson Gracie’s FBI file and tell me that he’s not a complete “fake”.

  5. Forgot the Classic ones, the Gracie brothers, specially Carlos.

  6. Nice humorous write-up on this issue!

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